Why?

I am sitting here. Thankful for my new job. What a journey that was. I am thankful that MY GOD has taken care of me and loves me. I am adjusting to a new routine this week and I have realized that the one thing I have missed is my Quiet Time with the LORD. I had it today and my day felt complete. I was up WAY too early this morning and had the time, and God gave me the strength. And now my heart is crushed. I realize that I have made mistakes, but why can't they ever be forgiven and why can't some old habits just die. Why?? How come the more I make progress the or whatever I stumble. I want victory over this one thing. Why can't I get it? Just this one thing, the one thing that has destroyed so much.. The one thing that I want COMPLETE victory over.. How and why is it not coming??? What else do I need to do???
And why can't this friend of mine just be honest and tell me how they feel? I have done everything from "mothering" them to back off from that and "supporting" them like they asked me too and for what. To be told that my actions show I don't care about them. I put up with them belittling me and being hurtful to me and trying to show them I care and it gets me NOTHING. I just really want to know if something happened to me. What they would do? Is that bad? Is it bad to want to know if they really care or not? I wish I could have an answer these ???'s I have given them to GOD and I am waiting for the answers... Please if you read this just pray... I wish that I knew.. And could have victory that people would see me as a child of GOD and that I can regain the trust that is necessary.